


Mend What Has Been Broken

by SuddenTempest



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Denial of Feelings, Homophobia, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Marriage of Convenience, Religious Guilt, erotic romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 07:17:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9873068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuddenTempest/pseuds/SuddenTempest
Summary: Born and brought up in a religious environment, Isak Valtersen was devasted when he realised that he liked boys at the age of 12. Prayers, he was made to believe, were the path to his healing. Now, fifteen years later, he is married to a beautiful woman named Emma. But what happens when one day, he sets foot into a gay club and catches eyes of a bartender that makes him question his redemption, by making him feel emotions and desires that he has been taught to consider a sin?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello people! here's another story, from my drafts to your phones (or wherever it is that you read them).  
> as many of you have already become aware of, this is going to be an m/m because that is more my preference over b/b. it will be dealing with sensitive topics as well, which might be triggering for some of you, so feel free to inform me if there are things that you do not like or aren't comfortable with.  
> but if you must know, there are real people out there who go through things of this kind, so i wanted to try and depict it with the help of our two lovely boys.  
> i hope you enjoy this.

Bright lights hurt his eyes, loud music hurt his ears and sweaty bodies stuck to him as he made his way into The Sphinx. The smell of cigarettes, sex and alcohol surrounded him like a blanket of smoke making him cough as he took a deep breath in. He coaxed himself by repeating that it was what he needed, a night which was different from his everyday life. A change of scenery as he would call it. 

Taking a few more breaths to adjust himself, he searched for a place to sit as one more minute of standing among the grinding bodies would make him lose his mind. He craned his neck sideways and saw a bar on the right hand corner of the club. The club was big, bigger than the normal ones he had been to and had an aura about it that screamed money and power. Sitting on a barstool, he took in the numerous dancers on the floor, their glistening bodies being watched by the spectators like hawks, ready to pounce any minute, and shivered. He was not used to it but he would stay, because he was no more living under his parents' roof and there was nothing to be afraid of. _Keep lying to yourself_ , he laughed at himself. 

"What can I get you?" 

He looked up at the bartender who looked back at him with questioning eyes, "I don't know, uh, beer?" 

The bartender laughed, "Looks like beer is not what you need tonight. Here" he slid a glass filled with brown liquid towards him. 

"What is it?"

"Something strong and neat" the bartender winked and walked away to tend to the other customers' needs. 

He went to sip on whatever he was given, only to stop and hope that it hadn't been spiked. The bartender had been right, whatever he had given him was indeed strong as the first gulp had him coughing his lungs out. Tears streamed his eyes but he quickly rubbed at them with the back of his shirt sleeve and continued drinking, this time taking small sips in place of one big gulp.

"I noticed how you were coughing some time back, I take it you've never tasted anything other than beer?" The bartender was back, his hands resting on the counter top, upper body bent a little towards him as he spoke.

"I like beer."

"Can't really be sure about what you like unless you taste anything else." 

He looked at the bartender and was about to answer when his eyes suddenly widened and he was left gaping like a fish out of water at something behind him. The bartender, noticing the man's unlikely expression turned to look at what was causing him to lose his words and snickered.

"What is so funny? And why are they...uh, those two men..."

"Kissing?" He helped him finish his sentence with a teasing smile.

"Yeah that. Why are they..." his eyes were lowered but he kept sneaking reluctant glances at the two men kissing behind the bar.

"Maybe because it is a gay club and you don't have to worry about assholes here?" The bartender answered, looking like he was talking to a child. 

He was rendered speechless, to say the least. He did have his doubts when entering but he had never imagined that it would actually turn out to be a gay club. _Get out of here before father gets notice of it._ He got up swiftly, searching his pockets, "How much was the drink?"

"I'm guessing this is your first time?" The bartender said, folding his hands infront of his chest.

"First time?"

"To a gay club."

"What...what makes you say that?" He was terrified all of a sudden. _He's not here, he won't see._

"First, because you're sweating. And second, due to the fact that you jumped to leave as soon as I uttered the word 'gay'."

 _He will not know. You won't tell him. Nobody will know. Just leave._ He was shivering now. Bringing his hands up to his head, he started clawing at his hair, trying to make his mind stop. He was slowly losing vision as he saw a blurry face come closer and then it was all black. 

***

"-ack later."

He slowly opened his eyes as he heard a voice and looked around to find the bartender slide his phone inside his pocket.

"Do you feel better?" The man brought him a glass of water, sitting down at the edge of the small bed.

"Huh? Oh yeah. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened back there." He said, accepting the glass full of liquid.

"You were having a panic attack. It's alright now, I brought you to one of the back rooms." 

He nodded and drank the water in one go, managing to spill a little while in a hurry. The other man seeing water dripping down from the corners of his mouth raised a hand and touched his fingers to his chin to rub off the remains. He flinched under his touch, and the bartender quickly removed his hand. "I'm sorry."

"No I'm...sorry. I'm not used to people, uh, touching me." He looked down at the glass in his hands, keeping a firm hold on it. 

"Why is that?" 

He looked up, surprised that a stranger was interested in knowing why. "Kind of personal," he laughed without emotion.

"Okay. But you know what they say, you can share better with strangers than friends."

"Who even said that?" A confused expression crossed his face.

"Well me. And I'm no less than a great identity."

"You're a bartender" he deadpanned.

"You hurt my feelings sire!" The bartender made a dramatic shocked face, "aren't bartenders good people?"

"I'm so sorry I didn't-" he started blabbering an apology but stopped short as he saw the other man start laughing. 

"You're so gullible." He noted softly. "Why are you here? This isn't a place for someone like you." A serious shadow crossed his eyes.

"I guess you could say that I needed an escape?" He questioned, more to himself than the other man.

"An escape from what?"

"Maybe I'll tell you if we grow to become friends someday. Unlike you, I believe that one shares better with friends rather than strangers", he smiled a soft smile.

The bartender was looking at him now, intently, like he was trying to solve a puzzle and that made him uncomfortable. He started fidgeting in place but that didn't cease the other man's bold staring, rather made it intensify. 

"Are you gay?" 

The question rang loud and clear in his ears but he chose to ignore it. It wasn't quite possible because the man still hadn't stopped looking at him and was now fully facing towards him. There was no escape, he understood that. "No. I-I'm not..."

"You're not what?" The man pressed.

"I'm not... _that_."

"You mean _gay_?" 

"Yes," he wanted to leave, he felt like he was suffocating.

"Okay. If you say so." The bartender finally looked away from him and onto his wristwatch to check the time.

"I should go."

"Yeah, I should get back too." The man got up, dusted his pants and turned to leave.

"Uh, by the way," he spoke up suddenly, making the bartender stop and turn towards him. He had his right hand outstretched, as if asking for a handshake, "Hi, I'm Isak Valtersen."

The other man passed him a tiny smile before clasping the smaller man's hand in his and speaking, "Hello. Even Bech Næsheim."

***

Even had never seen a man so beautiful, but troubled. One look at him and he was a goner. But the man, he noted, wasn't out of his shell. He was living a lie under the facade that he put on for others to see. Even had seen himself in the younger man's eyes, how he used to be, when he was much younger. He knew the man needed help, but didn't know whether he'd be willing to accept Even's.

Something about him had stirred a deep desire inside of him. He could pass it as lust, but he'd only be lying to himself. This was something deeper, something he'd felt only once in his previous years on this earth. He was afraid, because the last time he had let himself feel, he hadn't been the same man ever since.

Resuming his position behind the bar, he stood idly looking around The Sphinx. Every person who stood in his view, he knew was troubled and scared in some way or the other. Everybody wanted something, or someone, to love but The Sphinx only catered to the needs of the body and not the heart. He sighed brighing his hands up to his face and rubbed at his eyes. Looking around again, his eyes caught sight of the man - who had managed to occupy his mind at such short notice - leaving. 

Isak. That was his name. 

He gazed at his soft face, faintly illuminated by the twinkling lights, the man unaware of being watched and sighed again. He saw Isak's head turn a little and he was caught in his gaze. He stood there staring at Even for two seconds, which felt like an eternity, and then slowly, as if unsure of himself, lifted his hand to wave goodbye. Even's heart sped at the small smile that was directed at him and he raised his hand to bid goodbye as well. Isak nodded once, then was out of his range.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can reach me on twitter @evenbn if you have any questions regarding this fic or anything else. my dms are open for all. 
> 
> stay safe, take care of yourself.


	2. Chapter 2

Isak tiptoed into the house, locking the door on his way in, and made his way up the stairs into the bedroom. The lights were all turned off which made it difficult for him to see, but he kept them that way. He pushed on the door and it creaked open to the view of a woman sleeping on his bed. Not any woman, his wife. Emma. 

Isak looked at her once and then towards his side of the bed and decided to sleep downstairs on the sofa instead. He had been married for almost a year now and had tried very hard to be normal for her, but he couldn't fake it. They were friends, but anything other than that, Isak couldn't give her. Emma thought that he had had some other lover and was mourning at her loss, and there were times when she provided comfort, but he never took it. He always brushed it off saying it was nothing. _If only she knew._

He had grown up like any other kid until he was 12 years old and had started liking a guy in his sports team, much more than the others. When all his friends would be trying to talk to girls, he was satisfied by being with his boys. He was young, and he was scared. He had run off to his father asking for advice regarding that matter and his father had made him sit down and brainwashed him about how that was not healthy and he needed to get rid of that disease, for more than two hours. He had nodded and promised to obey. He had prayed to God that night, asking Him to cure him and had ignored the boy in his sports team since that day. 

As days went by, his father became much for vocal about the hate that he harbored for the homosexual people. Isak could clearly remember him making rude remarks about how the people who dared to go against 'God's decision' would burn in hell and deserved to die. He was a devoted Christian, a very unaccepting one. 

He had wanted his mother to talk to, by had only recieved the same words in reply.

_"She isn't well. She needs to stay away to get better."_

It wasn't until later that he was finally aware of his mother being mentally ill and his father referring to her as 'crazy'. Needless to say, his newly found knowledge of his mother and his sexuality had him in a turmoil.

He did not find himself being attracted to anyone else after that, and remembered to thank God every night for curing him, but that was only until Jonas came. He was 16 then, and Jonas made him feel the same things that he was afraid of feeling. This time he didn't run to his father but instead decided to keep his emotions under wraps and tried dating girls to maintain his image as a _normal_ boy. He didn't succeed. He couldn't feel for girls, what he felt for boys his age.

So after years of lying, research and failed relationships, when he was 23 years of age, when he had moved out of his father's house, when he had gained enough courage, he had decided to come clean about everything to his father. He had understood that no matter how hard he prayed, God couldn't cure him.

His father, as expected hadn't taken it well. It took an hour of shouting back and forth to make his father believe that he indeed liked men. That was the day when his father raised a hand on him and threatened to end his life if he ever mentioned a word about it to anybody else. Said 'God' wouldn't accept him if he continued this way and that he needed to get married soon, and to a _woman._ He had cried again that night and prayed till he was too numb to feel.

The father, whom he once looked up to, now scared him.

So here he was now, 27 years old and continuing to live a lie.

He chuckled humorlessly and sat down on the sofa, pulling at his tie and took off his shoes. Using a decorative cushion as a pillow, he fell asleep. 

***

The bells tinkled as he entered the small coffee shop, at the corner of the street, that Vilde had opened few years prior. The smell of coffee surrounded him while he scanned the space for the familiar face of his long time friend.

"Hello dear" Vilde spoke up from behind.

"Can you stop calling people 'dear'?"

"Why?", she asked as she went to stand behind the counter. "I think it makes them feel at home."

"More like makes them feel like they're talking to a grandma in a 27 year old's body."

"That's rude Isak! You-" she stopped short to look towards the door as the bells jingled once more, announcing the entry of a new customer. 

Isak didn't turn but could feel the heat of someone standing behind him.

"Hello," Vilde smiled at the new customer. "What can I get you?"

"Just coffee, thank you." 

She nodded and went towards the back room to prepare both their orders. Isak had been a regular since the day she had started business and so, by now, she knew all of his favourites.

Isak felt someone sit down next to him but paid no attention as he was busy deleting junk mails on his phone. "Hello Isak", a deep voice called out to him and he almost dropped his phone when he looked towards his right to find the bartender that he had talked to yesterday. 

Even.

"Hi" he breathed. The man looked different in the daylight. His hair looked lighter and Isak could make out the colour of his eyes. _Clear blue,_ he noted. He smelled of shower gel along with a faint trace of musk, and he yearned to smell more of it. The thought made him widen his eyes and a blush creeped along his neck. 

"Are you going to stare at me all day?" Even spoke, breaking the spell Isak was in.

He figured that he had been staring straight at his face for quite some time. His eyes had started to burn which made him realise that he had also forgetten to blink. He blinked, and shook his head. _Are you out of your mind? What are you doing?_

His face was flushed by the time Vilde came out, with two cups of coffee on a tray.

"Here you go guys," she gently placed the cups on the counter top. 

"Thank you," both of them spoke together, to which she smiled, muttered a soft "you're welcome" and turned back towards the pantry to continue with whatever she needed to be doing.

"Would you like to go sit near the window?" Even asked, his hand softly touching Isak's thigh.

Isak's heart leaped at the feeling of a warm palm resting on his thigh and he hesitated before saying, "Sure, yeah." 

They both sat down, opposite each other, and for some reason, Isak felt exposed. With shaky hands he lifted his cup, and blew on it before sipping slowly, all the time being aware of the other man's eyes on him. He didn't raise his eyes from his cup, only looked outside when he got bored of looking at the same brown liquid. 

Even hadn't touched his cup yet and that made Isak curious, "Aren't you going to drink that?" 

"No," he answered truthfully. 

"Why not?"

"I'm more of a tea person. And from what I've gathered, this shop doesn't serve tea."

"Then why are you here?" Isak placed his cup back on the table and looked at him, giving him his full attention.

"I saw you."

"Excuse me?" He was confused.

"I was passing by the street, saw you enter, debated on whether or not to come say hi and decided on the former." 

Isak blushed at the man's blunt reply, "Are you serious?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" 

Isak said nothing more, only lowered his eyes to stare at his fiddling hands. For some reason, the man's honest answer had managed to capture his attention. He had this funny tickling sensation in his lower half as a reaction to the man's intense gaze on him, and he didn't like it one bit. He didn't want to feel that way. _You have a wife. You are supposed to be normal. This is not okay. Leave. He will not be happy._

He stood up only to be interrupted by a "Where are you going?" 

He looked back at the man's face and that funny tickle in his gut returned. He didn't want to look at him but couldn't help but ogle at the beauty that was Even. 

_He wouldn't be happy._ The sudden thought snapped him out of his dreams and he quickly composed himself, "Oh, uh, work. I'm late."

"Okay" Even said, aware of something being wrong. "Do you need a ride?" He asked, standing up.

"No, no. That wouldn't be necessary, I have a car."

Even nodded and moved to stand close to him and spoke in a low, tantalizing voice "Then I'll see you at The Sphinx Isak." He spoke his name like a soft caress, his warm breath brushing Isak's ears. He pressed a feather light kiss on his cheek and then he was gone.

A shaky breath rattled his chest, as he touched his cheek where the man had kissed him, the tinkling of bells a sign that he had left. Isak could still smell the remains of the scent that wafted off of Even and he shuddered.

 _You won't let him make you feel this way. You can't._

Shaking his head, he raised his voice to bid a quick goodbye to Vilde, and left.

***

Work passed by, monotonic as always, and it was soon evening, and Isak was back at his front door. He had wanted to visit The Sphinx, but even the name of the club got him feeling funny. He figured if he didn't see the man for a few days, he would forget all about it and could continue with his life, the way his father had constructed it for him. And so he went straight home rather than going to the club, or better, going to see the _man_ who had him doubting his self control in every way.

He huffed and went inside, internally hoping that Emma wouldn't be there. But seemed like his luck wasn't favouring him much as Emma sat there, on the sofa in which Isak had slept the previous night, surely waiting for him but completely oblivious to his arrival. She turned as he locked the door with a soft click and smiled at him. "Hi"

"How are you doing?" He tried smiling back.

"Funny you should ask that considering the fact that we're married but spend such less time with each other." 

"Yeah," Isak replied, dragging the word slowly.

Emma hesitated, before continuing. "Work's been busy you know."

"Ah, same with me." He completely lied. "I'm always exhausted by the time I get home."

"Me too." She nodded twice.

It was awkward again, because none of them knew what was to be said next.

Isak was standing in her line of vision, but far from her, near a small table which held items for decoration.

"We really need to talk about this," Emma suddenly spoke up, making Isak look at her with questioning eyes. "You know what I'm talking about. This marriage is failing, and you know it. I like you as a friend, but there's nothing more than that. You look like there's something troubling you, and as I've said before, I will do anything to help you, if help is what you need. If it's a lover, or-"

"No" he said quickly, "there is no lover."

"Okay.. but that still doesn't erase the fact that we aren't even talking to each other even after being married for almost a year. This is not the life I want for myself. You're a wonderful man Isak, but maybe I'm not the one that you need?"

Isak was suddenly nervous. _What would father say if he got news of this. No. You can't let him know. You are a normal man._ "I...I've been having a rough time."

"For a _year_?" 

"Yes. It's not that simple. But...I...uh, want to make this work." _Not for myself, but for father to see._

"You say that now, but tomorrow it's all going to be the same as it has been for the past year. Just think about it okay? I don't want to force you into anything." She got up and walked towards him. Placing a palm on his cheek, she spoke "Consider me as a friend, tell me if there is something troubling you." And then she was gone.

Isak fisted his hands, his nails digging into his palms as he tried to calm his nerves. _She's giving you a choice. Tell her that she isn't what you want. She will understand. But what after that? Go to him? Even? What will father say? And God? No. I cannot. I will never.._ He sat on the floor, clutching at his heart as tried to find a solution to the uncountable thoughts that bombarded his mind.

***

It had been twelve days. Twelve days of Isak successfully avoiding Emma since the night that they had talked. He stayed late at work every night, or went to the nearby clubs to kill time and left home early every morning. He avoided one particular club, because what lay in that club, was the object of his craving. 

Twelve days of avoiding him, but Isak still couldn't let go of the feelings that he had felt when Even had touched him, however brief the contact might have been, in the coffee shop. It seemed like the more he tried forgetting, the more he remembered. The man's lips seemed to have embedded on his cheek and he woke up multiple nights, due to vivid dreams and a raging erection for that man.

It seemed ridiculous to him, because all he knew was that he was a bartender and that they had met for less than an hour, both meetings combined. He had prayed everyday, but that was all in vain. And so he was currently sitting in his car, which was parked opposite to The Sphinx and debating on whether or not to step inside.

"Just go inside, you're not here to see him. You're only here for..." he mumbled to himself, at a loss for words.

Gathering up all the courage he could muster, he stepped out, slowly at first then all at once, and stumbled on his own feet. He was embarassed even though nobody paid attention to the man who was having a bad time with himself.

He locked the car door and set foot forward, with renewed determination. _You're here to have a drink. Get inside, and grab that drink._

The guards let him in after closely looking at his ID, he looked much younger than his age, and he stepped inside. His steps faltered as he took in the surroundings. It seemed to him that the people had somehow tripled than the last time he'd been there. He pushed through the bodies towards his only destination, the bar. He was disappointed at not seeing his favourite bartender behind it, but he reminded himself from time to time that _he_ wasn't whom he had wanted to see or meet, he'd only been there for a drink.

Thanking some other bartender for his drink, he turned, the glass near his lips, the liquid at the tip of his tongue, when his breath caught and he choked. On the stage, was Even, dancing like he _owned_ the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

He was not really dancing, rather being danced on. He was on the stage, sitting on a chair, legs spread wide to accomodate another man in between them and Isak's cheeks flushed at the pair of strong thighs, nicely accentuated by leather pants, on display. 

He wanted to shift his eyes to somewhere else, but something about the man's handsome face and the smirk that he wore lured him in. He was looking up at the boy who was dancing on him who looked young, younger than Isak. The boy got up from his lap, placing the man in full view and a sudden surge of heat pooled in Isak's lower abdomen at the sight of Even sitting there, with a bare fit chest, and only leather pants. Even still hadn't noticed him, so he figured that he could stare a bit more. His drink was forgotten as he dived in deeper into the sinful inspection of the man's body, as he sat there, being pleasured by someone else. 

Even cast a fleeting look towards the crowd and his eyes passed Isak's face. He did a double take and reversed his path to confirm that the man was actually there, eyes all wide and cheeks flushed, looking at him. 

Isak had no time to look down before he was being held captive in the other man's stare. The lights were vibrant, much like the atmosphere, and Even's face was visible under a multitude of colours, changing every second. 

Even did not break the stare either. He had all but forgotten about the boy who, a minute ago, had all his attention. The boy wasn't aware of it either, and he continued his dancing, putting up a show for the spectators to see. 

The song was over soon, but it felt like years to Isak and he saw the man stand up from his seat, and start walking towards him. Isak's heart hammered at the idea of being able to see such a masterpiece from up close but all his wishes were in vain as Even was pulled back by the same boy who had been grinding on him a few moments ago. Even cast another look at Isak's face, and then turned to nod at the boy and followed him to another way. 

Isak's mood was deflated, to say the least. _You don't want to meet him. It's a good thing he went away. You are okay. You are okay._

He started sipping on his forgotten drink and winced at the strong taste of the scotch that he had ordered. He didn't want beer. He needed something stronger, as _he_ had told him once.

"Looks like you've ditched the company of beer huh?" Even stood next to him, his face turned forward, looking like he was talking to someone else. But Isak knew it was him that Even was talking to, so he replied, "Like somebody once said, I need something stronger."

Even turned his face towards him, and the smile that graced his features made Isak stare. He was gorgeous. So beautiful. His hair was wet, Isak noticed that it was the perfect length for one to hold on to. He had a white shirt on, the top three buttons of which were open. Isak felt his slacks become a tad bit snug at the sudden thoughts that filled his mind.

He cleared his throat, and looked away. He was blushing.

"Are you feverish?" Even asked, placing the upper side of his plam onto Isak's jaw and felt the man shiver. 

"Uhm, yes. I'm okay. It's, uh, hot in here" he muttered back a reply, avoiding Even's eyes.

"Yeah well the dancers tend to make people hot, so I wouldn't blame you." He winked.

 _If only you knew that it wasn't the dancers, but you that plagued my mind._ Isak's eyes widened at the thought that crossed his mind and he looked at Even. "Yeah, the dancers...they're okay."

"Okay?" Even was confused, "I was used to hearing much better words than 'okay' for them you know. I guess it's time to upgrade." He sighed.

"No no! What I meant was, they're good...I guess. I mean, I wouldn't know. Considering the fact that I don't...like men."

 _Sure you don't, what a liar._ Isak scolded himself.

"If you say so, Isak. If you say so. But I have reason to believe otherwise." He mused.

"What reason?" Isak was intrigued.

He sucked in a sharp breath when Even's hand was suddenly on his crotch, massaging him. He stepped closer and squeezed firmly, making Isak gasp and hold back a curse, ready to slip from his mouth. Even's mouth was near his ear, as Isak panted heavily, and he whispered, "This" so low, that it would've been missed had Isak not been paying attention. Even's hands did not stop, but rather continued his aching torture, slowly working his way through Isak's now fully hard member and testicles. He had his eyes closed and panted against Even's shoulder as he pleaded, "Stop! Please stop! I-I don't like this" while his member thickened and hardened more under Even's palm. 

Even's hand was suddenly gone from his crotch and he was lightly held by his biceps and pushed back, so that the other man could look at his face. Tears of shame were flowing freely on his his face. Even's hands made their way up his hands and rested on either side of his head, angling it better so that he could look at him properly. "Denial does not look good on you." He spoke in a voice so soft, that made Isak's tear rimmed eyes open and fix on his face.

He shuddered hard, opening his mouth to speak when a voice interrupted them, "Even! Are you coming or not? We're already late!" 

Even looked behind and Isak's eyes also followed to look at a man, who seemed to be of Even's age, waiting impatiently at a distance. He gestured to his watch and Even nodded. He turned back to Isak, and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. "I'll have to go, maybe I will see you again?" 

"I-I don't know. I...maybe." Isak finally gave in, and Even smiled. He looked at him for two more seconds and turned back to leave. 

Isak watched the retreating back of the man who just had his crotch in his hands and shivered back at the memory. _You don't want that!_ He shook his head and looked at his joined hands. _But it felt good._

Leaving his drink unfinished he paid the bill and stood up to leave.

***

He had just started the car when his phone rang. He flipped the key out and fumbled in his pockets, searching for the device.

_Pappa calling_

He took a deep breath to bury the sudden dread that his father's call had put him in, and hesitantly answered the phone.

"Hello papa"

_"Hello son. How are you doing?"_

"I'm fine. Work is going good. And...yeah, all's okay."

_"And Emma?"_

"Oh she is good too. We were talking just about you yesterday." He lied smoothly, to cover up the fact that he hadn't even seen her for many days.

_"Hmm. I actually called because I was in town, and wanted to meet you. When are you free son? There are things we need to discuss."_

Isak was reluctant to meet the man but he thought that the sooner he got over it, the better. "Whenever you say."

_"Okay then I'm staying at this hotel, I'll text you the adress. Drop by any time tomorrow."_

"Okay."

_"Goodnight son."_

Isak mumbled back a goodnight and threw the phone onto the passenger seat. He wanted to scream, he knew what this discussion would be about. The same topic that his father had been nagging him for four months now. He was stuck in a hell hole with no way of escaping and he hated it. He punched the steering wheel and winced, realising how bad of an idea it was. His hand throbbed but he paid no attention as he started his car and drove back home.

***

"Hello, I'm here to meet Mr. Valtersen." Isak said to the receptionist who nodded and searched through her computer screen and dialled a number on the landline that sat next to her.

"He wants to know who it is sir?"

"Isak Valtersen, his son."

She nodded and spoke into the phone, and then handed Isak the information about the room his father was staying in.

Minutes later, he stood on the other side of room 201, steadying his breath. He rapped two times and the door opened, his father coming in view.

"Ah, you're here. Come inside."

He looked around the room and sat on the sofa that was situated at the far corner.

"So how are things with Emma?"

 _Always straight to the point._ "She's fine."

"And how is your marriage doing?"

"It's fine too."

"Doesn't seem fine to me," his father scoffed.

"What do you mean?" Isak asked, even though he knew the answer. 

"I would've had news about upcoming grandchildren if your relationship was as _fine_ as you say it is." 

"It's good papa. We don't want kids as of now."

"Really? _We_ don't want kids or is it _you_ that doesn't want kids." His father was calm as he questioned. 

Isak's blood boiled, but he kept his composure as he answered, "We."

"Tell me son, and don't you _dare_ lie, are you still into those sinful ways?"

He was scared. He knew that tone. His father's facade was slowly slipping. "No, I am not." He looked at anywhere but his father as thoughts of Even crossed his mind.

"Are you sure? Remember what I told you, God doesn't take in people who go against his rules. You don't want to go to hell, do you?"

"I remember father." He was shaking. _Forgive me God._ "I don't want to go to hell."

His father's mood suddenly cleared and he smiled as he spoke, "Well! Now that it's done, how about some dinner?" 

He breathed in and nodded, replying with a weak smile as he thanked God again and again for saving him from his father's wrath. He had gotten thrashed many times for backtalking and had learnt to never do it again if he didn't want to get hit.

***

Isak drove through the dark road, unsure of where he was going. He needed some time alone, that was the only thing he was aware of. 

Dinner with his father had been uneventful and awkward, with his father going on about business and his wishes of having grandchildren. He had hummed and nodded whenever necessary, but other than that, he had provided no input. 

After driving for some time, he parked his car outside his house and sat there for a few minutes. He laughed. _If only you were aware of the thoughts of a certain man that fills my mind, father._

With an exhausted mind and body, he went to his bedroom and fell onto the bed beside Emma, not caring that he hadn't talked to her for many days, because he was desperately in need of some good, dreamless sleep.

*** 

The smell of coffee and a voice whispering "Good Morning" woke him up. He peaked open an eyelid to find Emma, a tray in hand, smiling down at him. He didn't understand what the big smile was in place for, but wasn't interested in asking her anyway. 

"So, you father called yesterday." She said as he got up and sat on the bed, dressed in yesterday's clothes.

"Oh he did?" He tried to be interested as he took the coffee from her and sipped on it. It was bland, no sugar. He didn't like it. 

"Yes, said he was in town and wanted to meet us both for dinner."

"Did he say when?" He tried hard not to grimace as he took another sip, gulping in the bitter liquid.

"No. Just said whenever we wanted to. I've been so busy, I don't think I'll be able to this time." She seemed upset.

 _Thank God._ "It's okay I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I'll go on behalf of both of us." He offered a tight lipped smile.

"Oh that's good then. I have to leave, see you later Isak."

"Yeah bye." He mumbled as she stepped out of the room, closing the door behind her.

_Joke's on her if she thinks I'm meeting that man again after last night._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you think of Isak's father? and Emma? do you think Isak will give into temptation very soon? how do you feel about Even being a bartender?  
> let me know. comments/kudos are much appreciated  
> \----  
> i uploaded 3 chapters in one go so that you get the hang of this story, and come back for more (if you'd like) when i update this. i hope you will stick around.  
> \----  
> you can reach me on twitter @evenbn if you want to talk, dms are always open for all.  
> stay safe, take care of yourself. you are important.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was very reluctant about posting this story because i had no idea how people were going to react to it. i was very scared of the feedbacks, if i'm being honest. i understand that not many of you would like to invest your time in fics of this kind, but know that i wouldn't dare to write about something non-existent.  
> all things set aside, there's been certain positive comments, and it really warms my heart. i'm so happy with the knowledge that whoever has read this, is comfortable enough with the plot. thank you for taking the time to understand.

If there was anything Even hated, it was not knowing. And that was exactly the case with Isak.

The man was troubled, but eager. Even was sure that he had never had any connections with another man before, or else he wouldn't have been ready to burst at a simple touch from him that night. But other than knowing that he wanted to make the man his and free him from whatever demons he was facing, Even knew nothing.

He wasn't sure what it was, but something about Isak intrigued them. He was beautiful. Brown tufts of hair that had few streaks of blonde in them, green eyes that hid so many secrets, a smile to die for; Even knew that he wanted him. But it wasn't easy considering the fact that the man wasn't even out to himself, much less others. 

He visited a gay bar but was still wary of his actions. The way he sat, his gestures, the way his eyes slid from one person to the other, he was always wary. There was something he was scared of, and Even wanted to know what, or who, it was. He wanted so many things, but they would have to wait. Because Isak, wasn't ready.

"Boss, are you going to be working at the bar tonight?" Mikael, his friend, and former lover, pulled him out of his thoughts.

They were best friends, but when Even sat at his cabin - that was the heart of The Sphinx - nobody dared call him by his name. It was the kind of respect that he had earned, after years of hardship. He owned The Sphinx. And he was damn near proud of it. 

"I don't think so," he spoke absentmindedly, rolling a paperweight in his hands.

"Is it because of him?" Mikael didn't say his name, but Even understood who he was talking about.

"You could say that. It's been days since he last visited, and I don't wish to go serve other people when the one I intend on serving isn't present." 

"Very well," Mikael grinned, "Boss you're fucked" and jumped back, quickly closing the door with a loud bang, before the paperweight could hit him on his chest.

Even frowned on his missed aim but grinned back to himself when he heard Mikael laugh from the other side.

_Isak Valtersen, it's time I did some research._

***

Isak was strolling through the park, taking in the pleasant scenery, when five loud honks grabbed his attention. He turned towards the sound and was graced with the sight of a black SUV and a man waving at his direction from inside it. He couldn't make out his face, due to the low light, but weakly waved back. The waving hand then gestured him towards the car and he obeyed. As he got closer, he saw the man's face and it was Even, sitting inside - was he really wearing shades inside his car in the evening? - and smiling smugly. 

He popped his head out when Isak reached close towards his window, "Hey," he flashed a bright smile.

"Hello," Isak smiled back, almost instinctively. "Nice car." 

"You think so? Thank you," Even beamed. "What are you doing here?" 

"Me? Oh. Just taking a walk" Isak said, gesturing towards the filled roads.

"Really?" Even scrunched his nose.

"Yeah," Isak laughed, something about Even's bubbly nature made his own mood lift, "do you not take walks?" 

Even did not answer, but instead looked at him in awe. Isak scratched his neck, suddenly conscious of himself. "Uh...Even?"

"Huh? Oh yeah? You were saying?"

"Nothing, um, so what are you doing here?"

"Oh," Even frowned, trying to remember, "I, Oh right, I was running on some errands. Saw you walking so wanted to say 'hi'" he shrugged.

"What's up with those glasses?" Isak couldn't help but ask.

"Do I not look good?" Even asked innocently.

"You do," Isak responded without thinking and stopped when he realised what he had said, "I meant that, you, uh, you look okay I guess, not that I would know," he tried laughing.

Even opened his door and stepped out, his frame towering over Isak, which made the tingle in Isak's gut return. 

"Look at me?" Even voiced it as a question, and Isak looked up to see that the man had removed his shades "Complimenting another man because he looks good, does _not_ make you gay." He slowly explained.

Isak said nothing, suddenly aware of how close they were. He smelt him, the same perfume that he had smelt the other times that they had met and his heart flipped as he inhaled, memorizing the scent.

"Would you like to go out with me sometime?"

"Out, as..."

"On a date."

"No" Isak was quick to answer, "I mean, I'm not...that. So I can't go on dates with you because that's..."

"Okay," Even mused. _Don't push him, he needs time._ "So how about we hang out then? Not a date, just two friends spending the day together?"

"Uh, yeah, I can do that." Isak looked at his shoes as he replied, smiling to himself.

Even was shocked, he hadn't expected the man to give in so easily. _Baby, one day you're going to kill me._

Isak looked up to find Even staring at him, a distant look in his face. He wanted to look away, but was caught in his powerful gaze. He was nervous, his palms sweating, but he dared to keep his eyes on him.

Even's phone rang at that moment, and he had to leave immediately. He bid goodbye with a soft touch of his fingers on Isak's cheeks, successfully leaving a blush on their trail.

It was only after the fuzzy feeling in his heart subsided that Isak became aware of what he had done. He had allowed himself to feel. For another person. A man.

 _This is not right. This isn't normal._ He was terrified all of a sudden as his father's words rushed through his mind.

_"Listen son, God wouldn't appreciate this."_

_"God made men and women for a reason."_

_"You need to pray in order to keep this disease away."_

_"You will be normal, do you understand?"_

_"You don't want to burn in hell do you?"_

Tears strained his eyes as he fought to keep the voices away. He chanted his prayers, begging for God to make him okay. But nothing changed. He still felt a warmness surround his heart when he thought of Even. His groin still ached for the man's touch. He still wanted, needed, to kiss those lips. Nothing had changed. God hadn't helped him.

***

Isak was about to step out of his car to head to work when his phone pinged with a new message.

_9:21am  
Unknown_

_Hello, it's Even. Don't ask how I have your number, because I won't tell you. Will I be seeing you tonight?_

Calming his erratically beating heart, he typed out a reply.

_9:22am  
Isak_

_I can't, I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was thinking when I said yes to you yesterday. I'm sorry._

Not two seconds after he sent that text, his phone started ringing. He picked it up, ready to cancel his date with Even.

_"What happened in such a short time?"_

"What?"

_"You had no qualms in hanging out with me when I asked you yesterday, what changed?"_

"This is not right. I do not want...this."

_"This? What is 'this' that you talk about? I was only asking to spend some time with you. Fine with me if you're going to be such an asshole about it."_

The call had ended, and so had Isak's heart. He knew he was at fault and that it was not a date, but he couldn't go meet him when he made his heart do things that he wasn't even familiar with. Even made him feel things that he needed to feel for a woman and was afraid of feeling for a man. _Give me strength, God. I am trying to not want him._

***

It was much after midnight that Isak went home with a heavy heart. Thoughts of Even had been keeping him disturbed all day and he was tired. He was guilty of cancelling their plans, but what else was he supposed to do. Those feelings weren't _normal_ and he was ashamed of himself. Deciding to quit the sofa for another day, he went to sleep with Emma instead.

***

His eyes snapped open and he was out of his dreams, as the ache in his groin demanded for his attention. It had been a good dream, there was evidence of that. But it hadn't been a dream that he had needed to see.

_Strong hands holding him, demanding but soft at the same time. A hard body under his hands, on top of him. Lips caressing every part of him that they could reach. A man consuming him, wholly._

"Are you okay?" A groggy voice asked. Emma.

"Yes, I'm fine." She was the one he was supposed to desire, she was the one he was supposed to want. It was meant to be that way, but he felt nothing when her hands ran through his hair and soft lips kissed his shoulder while murmuring a goodnight as she went back to sleep.

He rubbed a hand on his mouth as the ache began to intensify. He did not want to do it. But he wouldn't be able to sleep with such a strong need to get off. So he slowly got down from his bed, when he was sure that she would be sleeping, and made his way into the bathroom. 

He made sure not to switch on the lights as he stepped inside the bathroom.

Hesitantly slipping his hand inside his pants, he caught hold of his erection. His member was throbbing, begging for a release and so was he. He started stroking and automatically thoughts of Even flooded his mind which made him freeze. _No._

He heavily breathed in and out for a few seconds and finally decided to give up fighting, and satisfy his needs. He resumed stroking, this time, allowing his mind to generate whatever thoughts of Even that it wanted. He imagined his skillful hands touching him, lips kissing him, his body joined with Isak's as he took him, hard and rough and fast, and in no time he met with his release.

He slipped out of his bathroom, with renewed shame and intense hatred for letting himself lose control even if it was only for a moment.

_Forgive me Father, for I have sinned._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we now know that Even isn't really a bartender, but is only posing as one (i have zero idea as to why he did that).  
> Isak still seems very unsure about everything, but he did let himself enjoy a few moments of freedom, what do you feel about that?  
> did you see what i did with Mikael there? ;)  
> \----  
> what i had said before the story started, still stands: inform me if there are things you aren't okay with and i'll make sure to adjust those somehow, if possible.  
> \----  
> you can reach me on twitter @evenbn if you want to talk, dms are always open for all.  
> stay safe, take care of yourself. you are important.


	5. Chapter 5

The bells rang loud and clear as Isak and Emma made their way out of the church. It was a pleasant morning, the sun bright in the sky, emnating a happy atmosphere. But Isak wasn't. He hadn't paid any attention to what the pastor had been saying, instead spent the entire service asking for forgiveness for the deed that he had done the previous night. He had enjoyed it, and that was what bothered him the most. 

"It's a good day, isn't it?" Emma was walking beside him, a hand on his bicep, holding him like a wife holds her husband, because to the people outside they were a happy couple.

"Yeah, it's nice." He looked down at her.

"Let's take a walk," she suggested and he hummed, following her lead. They made their way through the garden near the church, walking on the same space too many times, both of them not talking even once. Emma seemed to be lost in her own thoughts as she looked around, steps matching with his. Silence felt good. 

"Isak?" He turned to see Even walking towards him with a smile on his face and his calm heart started beating furiously. _What is he doing here?_

"Hello," Even had reached to stand beside him, and it felt too crowded all of a sudden. He looked at Emma who seemed confused as she looked up at the other man and then Isak. Realizing at Isak was not going to answer, she held out her hand to Even, "Hi, I'm Emma."

"Even," he replied pleasantly, "you are...?"

"His wife," she smiled back. 

The air felt thick as Isak breathed in, Emma could feel the sudden stiffness in his once relaxed body. He felt sick. His eyes found Even's hesitantly, and he saw the other man looking at him with a look of...hurt? 

"Oh, I'm his friend." Even said, eyes never leaving Isak.

"Do you come here often? I haven't seen you before."

"This is my first time at this church, I don't really know anybody else in here, except Isak. So I came by to greet him." 

"Well it's nice that you did." She was politely talking to him, while her husband continued to ignore them both. "So how do you two know each other? I'm sorry, I've just never heard of you before today." Emma asked again, to fill in the awkwardness that had seeped in the air, while the two men continued looking at each other. But before Even could answer, her phone started ringing. She excused herself and stepped aside to take it.

Isak looked down at his shoes the moment she left, not brave enough to look at Even. Neither men talked, just stood opposite each other, still as statues. Isak still hadn't looked up from his shoes and Even was tired of looking at his head. 

"Does she know?"

Isak didn't answer. 

"Do you plan on telling her?"

At that, Isak's eyes snapped up, "What do you mean 'plan on telling her'? Plan on telling her what?" 

"That you're gay." Even spoke straight, no emotion in his voice.

"But I'm not...so why would I?" One look at Even's blue eyes and Isak's sudden confidence was wavering.

"Yeah it's obvious, ofcourse you like women and you weren't hard at my touch that night."

"No! I wasn't." He whispered, breath puffing in and out of him.

Even sighed and slipped his hands inside his pant pockets, looking down. "If you haven't figured it out by now...I like you, Isak. But maybe it was foolish of me to think that you did too. Clearly you don't." He cast a fleeting glance towards where Emma stood, busy on her phone.

Isak shuddered and gulped as he took in the unmistakable hurt of rejection in the other man's voice as he laid out his feelings infront of him. His confession made Isak's determination to not like him back, weaken. How could a man lift him up and throw him down, all in the same breath. 

_I like you. I like you. I like you._

"You shouldn't. I am a mess." He spoke, eyes cast downward, just as Even had taken a step away from him. 

The other man stopped, cocked his head to the side, and replied, "I happen to find you beautiful." Something about his voice made Isak weak in his knees. There was so much sincerity and raw adoration in those simple words that made him shut his eyes and bite his lips, in fear of breaking down. "See you later, or maybe not again. Now that I know you aren't interested." 

_I like you. I like you. I happen to find you beautiful. I like you._

Isak's body shuddered and he flopped down onto the bench. _Why are you doing this to me? Please. I can't take this._

He didn't know how much time had passed but opened his eyes once Emma sat down beside him, "I'm so sorry, the office called. Where did Even go? He seems really nice-" she continued speaking, but he was lost in thoughts of his own.

Only one thing was clear to him.

_I like you too._

***

Even sat in his car, seconds away from breaking down. He had decided to not fuss about Isak cancelling their plans together, but to be the better man and try again. Because he was sure that the other man needed a little help, or maybe a lot, and he was willing to wait. But what he came across, was more than too much for him to handle. He knew he had already failed his heart when he had dared to fall for a man that wasn't out of the closet, but _married?_ He didn't know. He would never have guessed.

Pain sliced through him like a thousand knives lacerating his skin. 

He had dared to hope that this was the second chance at love that people always talked about and maybe, he would find it in the fragile man that had somehow, in such short time, managed to take his heart. But life had it's own funny games in mind.

 _Why?_

He rested his head on the steering wheel, his tears decorating the fine leather. He shouldn't have. He shouldn't have let himself feel. It was unfair. Love was unfair.

Pulling the phone out of his pocket, he dialled a number that he hadn't used in the last few months. It rang twice, before the other end answered. In a broken voice, he whispered, "Does God hate me dad?"

***

It was 2:21am and Isak couldn't sleep.

He way lying on the bed, next to Emma, and absentmindedly playing with his phone. He would press the home button which would cause the screen to light up and then dim a few seconds later, and continued with the process. Everytime he tried closing his eyes, Even's face came into view and he felt torn all over again. He hadn't meant to hurt the man, he hadn't. It had just happened. 

He had agreed to himself that morning that he did like Even, a lot, and that changed things. He couldn't deny his feelings again, not after finally coming to terms with them.

 _But what now? What next?_

Looking at his phone screen, his thumb pressed onto the message button. He wasn't much of a texter so the latest ones were from Even, after he had cancelled their plans. He was guilty of that too. There was too much burden, a lot of hurt, and he did want to make it better. 

_I should apologize. It will only be an apology, nothing else._

With a sudden burst of confidence in his system, he quickly scrolled through his contacts and stopped at Even's name, breathed in and pressed 'call'. 

***

Even's cell buzzed and he gasped, fumbling under his pillows to find the small device. He was groggy with sleep and emotional exhaustion from the day and hence didn't bother checking to see who had called before accepting it and mumbling in a hoarse voice, "Hello?" 

The line was silent. "Hello? Is anyone there?" 

Nothing. 

Even huffed in annoyance and brought his phone infront of his eyes and squinted at the screen to see who had called.

_Isak_

All traces of sleep gone, he jumped and sat straight, heart beating a thousand times faster and spoke, "Isak? Hey? Do you want to talk?" 

He could hear rasped breathing from the other side before the line went dead.

***

_You are the most stupid person to ever have been born! Who calls someone at 2am!_

He was pacing the room now, too restless to be in bed. He dragged his hands through his hair and stopped at his face, worried as to what would Even think. _Maybe he'll forget. No he won't. Who am I kidding?_

He looked back towards Emma who was unaware of anything that had been going on and sleeping without a worry.

_I should just call and say sorry._

***

Even had been having a rough time keeping himself composed the whole day. He had called his father, whom he hadn't spoken to for months, seeking for some comfort.

_"Does God hate me dad?"_

_"What...? Are you okay? Son, what is it?"_

_"No dad. It's all just...I...I've lost...I can't take this. It's too much dad. Is it because I'm a fag? Is that why whoever I love always..."_

_"I don't know what has been going on with you but listen to me Even. Have I ever, any day, belittled you for who you choose to love?"_

_"No dad. You... It's...it's someone else. He...I...I don't think I'm enough."_

_"People envy me for having a child like you, you have always been the most precious gift that I have ever received in all the years that I've lived.. Never think less of yourself. Never. You are a good man and if whoever it is that you're talking about isn't aware of that, then he's losing himself a gem, son."_

_"I..."_

_"I have to go now. Come meet me sometime, it's been too damn long since we spent some time together and tell me all about this young man."_

_"Okay dad...bye."_

And now Isak's phone call got him thinking a mile a minute again. _Why is he doing this? Does he want me to keep trying or...give up? What do you want from me?_ Frustrated than ever before, he threw his phone towards the edge of the bed and fell back on it, trying to find answers while his eyes stared at the ceiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter may not have been upto your expectations but im too tired to cross check everything.  
> i have been busy with classes today since 9:30am till 8pm and it's currently 11pm. it's been such a long and restless day, but i didn't want to end it without an update. ill make the next chapter longer, i promise. comments/kudos are greatly appreciated.  
> \----  
> you can reach me on twitter @evenbn if you want to talk, dms are always open for all.  
> stay safe, take care of yourself. you are important. have a good night guys


	6. Chapter 6

Even had been having a hard time. It had been four days since Isak had called. He had stayed up all night hoping that maybe the man would gain enough courage to call back again, but that was all in vain. The second call never came. The phone never rang. So he had decided that he wouldn't initiate contact until the man himself did. He wanted to, but he couldn't push someone who was already at edge, a little nudge and Isak would fall.

"Are you okay?" came a voice from his cabin door at The Sphinx.

"Peachy," he muttered, without looking up. It was Mikael.

He heard the door shut and footsteps come in closer and two hands slapped themselves on his working desk. "Come on man! How long are you going to stay holed up in here for? It's been four days."

"However long I wish to." 

"This is bullshit! You cannot put your life on hold for every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along can you?" 

"Isak."

"Huh?" Mikael sounded confused.

"His name is Isak. Not Tom or Dick or Harry." Even still hadn't looked up. He had his hands crossed on the table, his head resting on them.

Mikael let out an annoyed grunt and pulled at Even's hair, "Get up! You asshole, up I say!"

"Ow! Ow!" Even whimpered, raising his head. "What is it? Why can't you look after it while I rest here for a few more months?"

Mikael said nothing, but inspected Even. His face was blotchy, eyes puffed and rimmed with red which was a clear evidence of him crying. He even had layer of dark circles under them, most probably from not sleeping. Mikael cast a glance towards the room to see empty bottles of wine resting on the table. "Is this what you've been doing? Drinking wine and crying? That's what's become of you?" He didn't look at Even as he spoke, his eyes still on the bottles.

Even was ashamed. Ashamed for losing control over his emotions, ashamed for reacting that way, so he kept his mouth shut. A fresh set of tears accumulated in his eyes which Mikael quickly caught on to. He rushed from his side of the desk towards Even's and took the man's face in his hands. "Why? Is he that important?" He voice was soft as he spoke.

Even closed his eyes and a tear fell free and dripped down towards Mikael's hands. "Yes."

"Then why would you not go after him other than torture yourself by staying here?"

"Because...he...isn't out yet."

"No...you didn't. _Why..._ "

"It's nothing. He just needs some time. He'll come around." Even averted his eyes, wiping at them.

"You aren't really sure about that, are you? Is that why you're looking at anything but me?"

"Mikael..."

"It's okay. I'm here. I'll support you no matter what. Just...don't let him hurt you this way." 

Mikael brushed his lips over Even's cheeks and the other man took a shaky breath in. 

"Thank you," he smiled, and opened his mouth to say more when he heard a gasp, followed by a sob. Both men looked towards the door to see a trembling Isak standing there with hands covering his mouth, looking like he was about to break down.

***

Isak had been a wreck for the past few days. After abruptly ending the call that night, he hadn't caught a wink of sleep. _Apologize_ , the word seemed so simple yet required such courage to actually be done.

He had avoided his mind and heart for five days, but had finally had enough. He knew the guilt would eat at him if he didn't do it soon, it was already too late. So he had dropped by The Sphinx too meet Even. He was met with the same sensually dancing crowd and flood of lights, but this time, he wasn't indecisive. He had come to meet Even. And he would.

The bar was devoid of the man, so he looked around.

_Maybe he didn't come._

But then his eyes fell onto the long corridor that he well recognized. That was the same way he was taken when he had fainted the first time.

_I should check there._

Hesitant footsteps took him towards the dimly lit long corridor. There were several doors, all safely locked, and he didn't know where else to check in.

His questions were answered when he came across a wide space at the end of the corridor, quite lavish and well lit. There stood a big door from under which lit seeped outside. He knew someone was in there.

Curiosity got the best of him and he placed his hand lightly on the door, which resulted in it creaking and opening slightly. _It's unlocked._ He took a deep breath in, pushed and stepped inside, only to stop and stare at the scene that awaited him.

A man, whom he had seen before in the club, had his hands on either side of Even's face. It appeared as though he had kissed him, because his face was too close to Even's and he was slowly pulling away. _Too close._ He had a smile on his face and Isak couldn't help but choke on a sob.

Pain stabbed at his heart when both the men glanced at him and he had to clutch his chest in order to reduce it and cover his mouth with another to cage the sounds that it wanted to make. Even had a confused expression on his face and the other man looked like he knew. _He knows._

His eyes burned, legs quivered and the pain intensified. He wanted, he needed to scream. He needed to curse. He needed to let it out. He was breaking. _You never said you liked him, you never accepted his advances. Why does it hurt now then? Seeing him with another man?_

Not waiting for another second, he retreated his footsteps and ran.

***

Even was shocked.

"Was that...?" 

"Are you an idiot?" Mikael snapped at him.

"What...?" He still had his eyes fixed on the now open door.

"He thinks that you're with me. That's why he ran away. What is up with you? Go get him you dumbnut!" He gestured towards the door in a hurry.

That was when all the pieces clicked together for Even and his eyes widened. "Oh no! He..."

"Shut up and just go!" 

Even dashed out of his chair, stumbled due to his off balance but was up back on his feet again and ran like he had never run before. The air whooshed past him as he made his way through the corridor and stopped short as he reached the club's main space. His eyes scanned every corner but Isak was nowhere to be found. _Why had he come? Did he want to talk?_

His mind made up new questions while his eyes and body searched everywhere. He was nowhere. Just then his phone rang.

"As far as I know you, you're still looking for him inside the club. Look for him outside, get out of here." Mikael spoke into his ear as he received the call. 

Not wasting another moment, his legs picked up speed and he ran outside.

***

Isak had tears falling from his eyes and he didn't understand why. He didn't know that a man could affect him this way. He walked through the almost empty pavement, seeing that it was almost midnight. 

"Isak!" 

He turned back to see Even running towards him. _I can't see him._ He turned away and started running forward when a hand suddenly clutched on his jacket and he was being pushed against the side wall. "What are y-" but before he could speak any further, cold chapped lips covered his own.

Even was huffing, and so was Isak, but neither of them moved. Their lips were pressed together, unmoving, while both of them tried getting their breathing under control. Even was scared that Isak would run away again if he allowed their lips to separate, so he kept them that way. His eyes were shut tight and he breathed in and out, taking in the scent of the cold night along with the pleasant scent that wafted off of Isak. _Baby please don't push me._

Isak, on the other hand, had his eyes wide open while his lips remained captured by Even's. His heart thundering, his eyes glossy and his legs shaking, while he concentrated on his breathing. _Don't push him away now. Don't. You need him._ A sudden surge of realization snapped his body into work and his limp arms were at once wounding around Even's neck while his lips slowly started to move. He saw Even's eyes snap open but only closed his in return and embraced him tighter.

 _Oh fuck._ Even was quick enough to catch up and embraced Isak's lean hips and crushed their lips together with much more force than before, but was delighted when Isak showed the same level of desperation. He needed Isak. And Isak needed him. 

Isak's fingers pulled at Even's hair as the other man's tongue thrusted inside his mouth. He let a quiet moan slip which only edged the man further as his body was pushed even tighter between the wall and the man. He let his right hand untangle from Even's hair and inserted it inside his shirt to feel his collarbones. He needed to touch every part of the man he could. He didn't know if he'd get another chance ever again. 

Even was losing his mind. Isak was letting out moans which only made him want to take him against the wall, in front of all people to see. He wanted to call the man his. As their tongues interwined, Even felt Isak's cold fingers seep under his shirt and touch his collarbones hesitantly. He pulled away from the kiss slowly, "You know you can touch. I'm all yours." 

Isak's face was beet red by that point and Even couldn't help but smile as he placed peck after peck on his rosy lips. He kissed Isak's wet eyelids, his frosted nose, warm cheeks and moved down towards his neckline. He felt the younger man shiver and clutch at his shoulders. _Maybe I shouldn't push him too much._ He placed a small peck on the side of his neck and moved up so that they now stood face to face. 

Isak's eyes were lowered because he didn't know what was to happen now. Even had kissed him and he had kissed him back, when he should have pushed him away. His hands were absentmindedly playing with the hair at the nape of the man's neck while he wondered. _Maybe it's time I accepted happiness._

Even pressed Isak's hips making the man raise his eyes and the blush that Isak wore made his shaft harder than before. _Don't push him._

He smiled and kissed his cheek again, "Why were you there?"

"Huh?" Isak seemed distracted by the kiss and Even smiled again, seeing him so flushed.

"The Sphinx? Why were you there?"

"Oh," hearing the words brought back images of Even and the other man and Isak's sudden giddy mood deflated. 

Seemed like Even noticed as his next words were, "Look, if you're thinking about what you saw before, let me tell you that it's not like that. Mikael...he's a friend. A very good friend, you could say. He was only there to provide comfort because he saw me being upset and-"

"It was because of me wasn't it?" Isak interrupted softly.

"What?"

"You...being sad. I did that, didn't I?"

"Isak..." Even spoke in a soothing voice.

"I went to say sorry. You know, for uh, that day at the church. I knew I hurt your feelings but wasn't brave enough to apologize right there. But later, I...I even calle. I-I just couldn't. It took me too long, and I'm sorry. Just...I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I'm sorry."

Even felt like his heart would burst. _Baby don't speak like that. My heart won't be able to hold so many emotions at once._ He bent down and captured Isak's lips once more and placed a chaste kiss on them. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Should we go back?" He started stepping away.

"No!" Isak pulled him back and crushed him in his arms while his head rested right on top of his heart, "Just a little while longer." 

Even smiled, his heart beating furiously, as he hugged him back. "As long as you want." 

***

They were in the car, the windows down, allowing the chilly night air to brush against their faces as Even drove in silence.

Isak gazed out at the trees illuminated by the yellow streetlights, the wind rustling his hair and smiled.

"How is it with you and your wife?" Even's question broke the peaceful silence between them.

"Well, we...I don't know. I think we are friends, of some sort."

"What do you mean?"

Isak looked at his dimly illuminated profile while he spoke, "She knows that I'm not interested in her. But what she doesn't know is that I...like...uh, she has a faint idea that there's some other woman that I loved and that I am sad about losing her. We talk, but there are days when I don't see her even once. But for people outside we...keep up the facade." 

Even stopped the car then and Isak looked at the surroundings to find that he was parked opposite to his house. "How do you know where I live?" He turned back to the man.

"I did some research." He spoke nonchalantly.

"You-"

"Would you like to go on a date with me?" Even spoke in one breath.

The wait was torturous as Even sat still, holding his breath and wishing that the answer would be anything but negative, when his ears caught on a soft whisper, "Yes, okay." 

He felt like his heart had stopped. 

Isak noticed Even's anxious face morph into one which could easily light up a whole world for a few years. He was smiling, his eyes wide, pupils dilated and Isak wanted to lean in and place a soft kiss on his lips. But he didn't. 

"I have to go. Text me. Bye." 

It wasn't until he was across the road and at his doorstep that Even finally snapped out of his dreams of their date. He glanced towards the man, who waved shyly, giving Even a sense of deja vu because it was just like the first time that they had met. The only difference was that, this was a new man. A little less scared, a bit more open to happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so my boys finally had their awaited kiss! quite a happy chapter if you ask me and i'm so glad to see Isak breaking out of his shell. how do you feel about that? and what are your thoughts about the date that is to come? Mikael is a good friend right? comments/kudos are much appreciated.  
> \----  
> how long has it been since i last updated? feels like years to me!  
> life's just been so hectic lately and posting a chapter without correction is not something i'd prefer doing so you all had to wait. plus, i don't think i'm reaching to much of an audience so sometimes that kind of demotivates me.  
> but anyway, i'm thinking of having a fixed schedule for posting a new chapter. i'll let you know when i decide.  
> \----  
> also, i changed my twitter @.  
> you can find me on twitter @ evrainbxw now. dm me if you want, it's open for all.  
> stay safe, take care of yourself. you are important.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi?

"Hang up now."

"Why don't you hang up first?"

"Then you'll most probably ignore me for two days like you did last time. I barely got hold of you today. Just hang up."

Isak laughed.

It had been 11 days and 1 hour since the last time they had met, not that Isak had been counting. The memory of the kiss was still fresh in his mind and somehow the guilt that he had felt when he had woken up the next morning was decreasing day by day. What they had between them, was still a little hazy. Neither of them were sure. With Isak's continuously changing moods and Even's busy schedule, it was kind of hard to understand what was going on between them. They did talk on the phone, and Even was always blunt with what he said but that didn't help Isak's case as he was always a bundle of nerves by the time they were done talking. They still hadn't been on their date. 

Even was currently in Russia, having had some important work to finish off but wouldn't tell Isak what exactly it was. And Isak was in his bathroom, sitting on the toilet seat, trying to talk to his man without being heard by his wife, who was currently sleeping in their room. 

"When are you coming back?"

"Soon."

"Okay. It's late now, I'm hanging up. Okay?"

"Good night Isak. I'll be dreaming about you." 

"Huh...uh...yeah." He heard Even laugh on the other end and he hung up. 

He shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths to control his shaking fingers. By the time his body had calmed down, his face was out of control. He was smiling. He could feel himself smiling. Switching on the lights he took a quick look at the mirror; the person staring back at him wasn't someone he recognized. Cheeks flushed, pupils dilated, lips pulled back into an uncontrollable smile, he just didn't know who he saw. It was someone else. He didn't remember the last time he had looked this happy.

Stepping into the room, he saw Emma sitting on the bed. "Are you okay? You've been there for quite some time."

"No no I'm good." He smiled.

Emma looked taken aback by his reaction but she smiled as well, "Okay then...uh, will you be sleeping here?" 

"Yeah, if you don't mind."

She hummed and shook her head, "Of course not. Uh, hop in."

Isak just smiled.

***

The next few days passed by uneventfully. He did talk to Even every night, and the other man successfully managed to leave him with a smile by the end of the conversation. Even was contagious that way, he was fun.

Isak was currently sitting in his cabin at the office when he heard two distinct knocks at his door.

"Come in?"

The door opened to reveal his father, with a paper envelope in his hands and a smile on his face and Isak's body language changed.

_What is he doing here._

"Long time no see, son. May I take a seat?"

"Sure."

His father placed the envelope on the table, pulled out the chair and sat down, folding his hands on it.

"How are you?"

"Why are you here papa?"

"Ah. Where did this attitude come from all of a sudden?"

"Nowhere. I...just" he rubbed his fingers on his temple, "why are you here?"

"Straight to business I see. Okay." He pushed the envelope towards Isak, "Open it."

"What is it?"

"See for yourself." 

The man had a sickening sweet smile on his face and that made Isak suspicious. He carefully took the envelope in his hands, eyes never wavering from his father and gingerly tore the top of it. He looked inside to see another smaller envelope inside the bigger one. He looked up again, this time with questioning eyes. 

"Take it out. See what's inside. Had to double seal it for privacy purposes."

He looked down again and pulled out the other envelope, opening the flap and looked inside. It appeared to be photographs.

Shot after shot of one man only.

Even. 

Isak's heart hammered with fear and his ears started to ring. With much difficulty, he spoke up, "What..."

"Okay. Judging by your reaction, I have come to know that you're indeed familiar with this man. What a shame. I was hoping you weren't."

"I-I'm not." He had started to sweat. "I don't know this person." He tried again, his voice a little clearer this time.

"Then tell me why the hell were you sucking face with him that night?" 

The ringing in his ears had intensified. This was too much. This wasn't supposed to be happening. His father wasn't supposed to know. He saw his father get up from his seat, only to go back and lock the door.

_No._

"I love you son. But I do not approve of your ways, and I never will." 

Isak felt himself being pulled up and a fist collide with his abdomen. His vision swam as punch after punch kept coming. He had learned to not fight back and just take it silently, but it was too hard.

 _I can't._

"Why do you have to make me do this? You could've just been normal and we could've avoided it." He heard his father say as a hand rested on his face.

"You make me so angry. Your mother...she's crazy. You and her were the only people I had, now she's off rotting at the facility and you're here...being a fag." He spit the word with hatred. "I do not want to see you with him. Is that clear?"

Isak did not speak.

"Am I clear?" His father pressed, his fingers digging into Isak's cheeks.

"Yes...yes."

"Good. Clean up, I'm leaving."

The door clicked shut and Isak crumbled down, tears falling free.

***

Stumbling back home, Isak went straight to the bathroom, hoping a warm bath would help soothe the pain that he was currently in. He just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

 _Death,_ seemed like a good idea, but he wasn't someone who would easily give into it's arms.

Prepping the water in the tub, he gently peeled off his clothes, being careful not to move around too much as his abdomen hurt. It hurt so much that even breathing seemed like a bad option to him. He placed the clothes somewhere absentmindedly and stepped into the tub. The warm water did bring some comfort to his body, but not much. He was still hurting, body and soul. 

The tears broke free as he took an unsure look at his own abdomen, now lined with purple and blue bruises. He poked at one with his index finger and flinched. Taking a deep breath, a breath which hurt, he closed his eyes and prayed to forget. 

_I'm a grown man. Why is it that I can't defend myself? Why do I still think God will hate me if I listen to my heart? He never loved me in the first place. He never did._

His phone pinged with an incoming message but he chose to ignore it. 

A little while later, when the water had lost it's heat, he hoisted himself up from the tub and got ready for bed. He worked mechanically, trying to feel as less as possible.

_Maybe it's better if I don't see Even anymore._

He tucked himself inside the covers, phone in hand and ready to send a text that would end everything that he had with that man.

_But why should I sacrifice my relationship for someone else's satisfaction?_

He fiddled with his phone a little more, his mind an open field of thoughts.

 _I shouldn't have to give him up. Maybe we could keep this a secret._ He nodded to himself.

 _But for how long?_ He laughed a humorless laugh and was about to place his cell on the bedside table when it rang.

 _Even_ , the called id read.

"Hello?"

"Come outside."

"What?"

"Just come outside, will you?" The call ended.

Isak got out of bed, wincing when he remembered about his injuries and walked out. He felt no nerves as he opened the front door, his hands working like a robot as he tried to grasp on to what was happening. As he pulled the door open, on the other side of it, waited a smiling Even. 

The man said nothing, only pulled Isak in his arms whispering, "I missed you. I missed you so much." and Isak broke.

He rested his face on Even's shoulder while his hands clutched at his jacket and he cried.

Even, having caught hold of what was going on, untangled himself from Isak's embrace and held him at arms length. "Why are you crying?" He whispered.

It had been so long since he had seen Even, heard his voice and felt him, adding to it the day's happenings with his father, Isak was bubbling with emotions. He was sobbing, with the happiness of being able to hold him, along with the fear of what would happen if his father found out. But he decided to not tangle Even in his family problems, "I just...I wasn't expecting to see you. It's...it's overwhelming." 

"Oh darling," and Isak was back in Even's arms. Both men stayed at the threshold, holding each other with such want and Isak cried some more.

"Won't you tell me that you missed me?" Even whispered in his ear, and all Isak could do was shiver. His tears had started to slow down and he felt a lot lighter. And safe. Even made him feel safe.

He pulled back, and looked at Even, smiling timidly and said, "Yeah."

"Yeah?" Even questioned, "You haven't gotten better. Still shy as before." 

"Shut up Even." Isak mumbled as the other man placed a soft kiss on his forehead. 

"I missed you."

Isak felt hot. 

"I," Even said, placing a kiss on his left cheek, "missed," one on his right, "you," another on the tip of his nose, and Isak bubbled with laughter. 

"You're so cheesy," he looked up at the man and bit his lip.

"Can I kiss you?"

Isak's eyes widened. "You...you don't have to ask." He murmured, looking down. 

Not long after, his head was titled upward and cold lips enclosed his own. It was soft, no tongue involved but Isak felt like he needed more and so he took initiative and slowly pushed his tongue outward and traced Even's bottom lip. He heard the other man suck in a breath and suddenly they were kissing much more fiercely than before. His hands went around Even's neck and Even's caught hold of his back and pulled him in closer, crushing the smaller man into him.

"Ah!" Isak winched and everything stopped.

"What is it? Did I hurt you?" Even looked concerned. 

"No no! You didn't. Um...do you-do you want to come inside?" Isak changed the topic and hoped that Even wouldn't notice. He couldn't tell him, he didn't want to let him know how fucked up his father was.

"Are you taking me up to your bedroom?" 

Isak stopped and looked back, and he noticed that he was already two steps up towards his and Emma's room.

 _Emma._ His eyes widened.

"Just...sit there for a second. I'll be back." He rushed up towards his room and caught hold of his phone. The screen lit up and he noticed that he had a text.

_From: Emma_

_Hey Isak, I don't think I'll be home tonight. Staying at a friend's place._

He huffed out a relieved breath and plopped down on his bed. The situation finally hit him; Even was in his house and Emma wasn't coming home which meant that they would be alone all night. That is, if Even stayed back. _What now? Do I ask him to stay the night? How would that sound? I don't want him to think something else, but...it's been so long since I saw him._ He shuffled in his bed, fighting his thoughts when a knock came at his door.

"I didn't think you'd be such a bad host Isak. You left me down there to come take a nap?" Even was leaning against the door, a teasing smile on lips.

"Huh?" Isak sat up, confused. "No! I remembered something I had to do."

"Hmm. Sure." He was still smiling. 

"Are you hungry? Would you like to have something?" 

"No it's ok. I ate on my way. Can I come in?" 

"Sure," Isak felt self conscious all of a sudden.

"Where is your wife...Emma, was it?" Even questioned as he sat at the edge of the bed, next to Isak.

"Well, she said that she'd be staying at a friend's place tonight."

"It's just you and me then, huh?"

"Looks like it." Isak was nervous. 

"Are you scared? Do you...want me to leave?"

"No," he replied, clutching at Even's hand desperately, "It's just unfamiliar to me. I've never..."

"We won't be doing anything you're uncomfortable with. Trust me. We can just lie down and talk, if you want?" 

Isak's eyes glossed over as he looked up at the man, the one who was staring back at him with care and adoration in his eyes. _I don't deserve you._ "Yes, that would be nice."

"Okay." Even stood up and started taking off his jacket, "Could I borrow a pair of sweats and maybe a t-shirt?"

"Mhmm." Isak stood up and walked towards the closet to fetch something that was a size too big for him. _This should fit him well._

He turned, "These shou-" and paused.

Even had his back to him and was currently pulling down his pants from his hips. He was already shirtless and the pants were coming off as well. Isak could very clearly see the round outline of his butt and he was even more nervous than before. The thrumming of his heart filled his ears as his eyes took in the man - half naked - in his room. His smooth back, illuminated by the nightlamp didn't do much but excite Isak even more. 

By the time Even had turned to face him, Isak was horny, to say the least. He could feel himself getting excited as he drank in Even, the muscles on his abdomen, his pecs and how his thighs flexed as he walked towards him. Even seemed unaware of his condition, and continued coming closer. _Oh God, I won't be able to control myself if he doesn't cover up fast._

"Are these for me?" Even's voice filled the silent room.

"What?" 

Even gestured towards the pile of clothes in his hands and Isak mentally facepalmed, "Yes! These are for you! Uh...get dressed! I'll go wait outside!" He was too flustered, too excited.

Even took the clothes from him but instead of putting them on, he threw them at the bed and inched closer towards the younger man. His pupils dilated, face serious but at the same time sexy, muscles flexing with each step he took, Isak was mesmerized by his beauty. "Are you nervous?"

"Hmm? No! Why would I be?" Isak faked a laugh.

"You look pretty nervous to me," cocky Even was back. 

"Why don't you get dressed?" Isak was desperate to change the topic.

"I usually sleep in my underwear. I thought you'd be uncomfortable so decided that maybe I could adjust for a day. But you look like you like it, so I'm not putting any clothes on." He crossed his arms.

Isak's eyes, without permission, wandered down Even's body and fixed themselves on the fitting black boxers that he was wearing. They looked a bit snug on the man and Isak knew that maybe he wasn't the only one affected by their current situation. He wondered how he had refused the man before because now, refusing him was the last thing on his mind.

"Stop," Even said, pressing his knuckles on Isak's temple, "you think too much," and kissed him.

It was a kiss which Isak returned wholeheartedly.

Even, taking a chance that he hoped he wouldn't regret, carefully inserted his fingers inside Isak's t-shirt, caressing his smooth skin and felt the man flinch like before. Suspicion clouding his mind and without a single thought, he quickly lifted it, only to gasp and utter, "What the _fuck is this_?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> too many things happened in this chapter and now i'm in need of a breather.  
> do you think isak will let even in on his situation with his father? or would he lie about the bruises? do you think even will understand if he doesn't tell him what's wrong or would he press for answers? you never know, neither do i.  
> \----  
> on another note, i'm sorry that i've been disappearing lately. exams are killing me and it's getting very hard to keep up with studies as well as writing (i'm a hardcore procrastinator if you hadn't noticed.)  
> but i think i'm up with an updating schedule which will be once a week i.e every sunday (i may break it though and upload earlier, if i somehow manage to finish off a chapter before my deadline)  
> \----  
> i hope everybody is doing fine? but if you aren't, know that i'll be available @ evrainbxw on twitter if you need someone to talk to. dms are always open.  
> drink plenty of water now that summer's slowly here and take care of yourself, you're important.


	8. Chapter 8

"What the _fuck is this_?"

Seemed like time had frozen as Even's eyes took in the patches of dark colouring on Isak's torso, while the other man trashed his brain for a believable excuse to pull himself out of a round of questioning.

"I fell." Isak replied, while tugging down his t-shirt, getting nervous when Even's hands wouldn't budge, making it difficult for him to pull it down.

"How?"

Isak was looking everywhere but Even as he answered, "Here, uh. Tripped. From the stairs, got hit on the table."

Even studied him for a moment and backed away, only to walk towards the bed to put on the clothes that Isak had taken out for him. Meanwhile, Isak was out of his mind, thinking of ways to somehow change the atmosphere back to how it had been a few minutes earlier. Even was soon done changing and got into bed. Isak's eyes followed his every move as he made himself comfortable and asked, "Are you coming?"

Isak nodded and hesitantly walked towards the bed, dragging his feet hoping that the ground would swallow him so that he wouldn't have to face what came next. He got in and wasn't sure on whether he was supposed to snuggle or maintain some distance in between them. Had it been going how it was a few moments earlier, he wouldn't have had to worry about things like this. But now it was just...awkward. 

Even huffed, "Okay. Just so you know, I do not believe you. I have seen my fare share of bruises to know which looks like a result of what. But...I'm not going to pressurize you into telling me something that you're not comfortable with." He shook his head, "I just hope that maybe one day, someday soon, you will tell me."

Isak didn't know how to respond. He had never told anyone else about his situation with his father, but Even made him want to share his troubles. Maybe he was someone whom Isak could trust. But how was he supposed to do that. How was he supposed to lay out his heart for Even to see. And Emma - wasn't he cheating on her by having a lover while being married to her? And was Even really his lover? Was he ready for that kind of commitment?

His feelings were all over the place and being this close to Even, his warmth and scent surrounding him, was adding to it. 

"What are you thinking about?" 

"Stuff." 

"What stuff?" 

Isak looked towards Even as the other man got comfortable under the sheets, using his right arm to support his head as he raised his brows at him. Seemed like they wouldn't be talking about his bruises for a while which Isak was relieved for. "I don't know. Just wondering if what we are doing is right...or not?"

"What do you mean?" Even's calm face was slowly fading away and a serious expression had taken its place.

"You know what I'm talking about. I-I'm a married man."

"I have no problem if you've decided to divorce her and marry me." 

_Marry me. Marry me. Marry me._

Even may have said the words while being in the momemt, but Isak was struck by them. And his mind was fast enough to take him to a better time, where he would wake up every morning to his _husband_ making him breakfast and serving it with a kiss. 

"You're smiling now."

"Am I?" Isak looked back at Even, still smiling. He titled up his face, as if asking for a kiss, and Even's serious demeanor changed in an instant. He lowered his face to plant a quick kiss and watched with a smile of his own when Isak chased his retreating lips. 

Isak finally gave up and took a deep breath, "Thank you."

"For what?" Even had resumed his original position and was peering down at Isak.

"For...for not pushing me to tell you. I...I will. But, maybe, later."

"It's okay. It's okay. Come here." Even's arms surrounded him and he snuggled in closer, taking deep breaths, basking in the warmth and memorizing his scent, while his mind took him to a better place and he soon succumbed into a peaceful sleep.

***

As he looked at his lover sleep, Even knew that something was not quite right with him. The bruises, they weren't ordinary. It wasn't the type you got while you were being clumsy, they were determined and had been etched onto his skin with force. 

He ran his fingers through Isak's soft locks and pressed a kiss onto his hair, which smelled of something sweet and he couldn't believe that it was real. The man, though troubled and unsure, was still hanging on by his side and was slowly accepting himself and Even couldn't help but feel proud. 

_You're so beautiful, darling._

He pressed another kiss and vowed to not dig in deeper, until Isak told him what was wrong. But once he did, once he trusted him enough, Even wouldn't wait another second to make it all right.

***

The first thing Isak was aware of was that the sheets next to him were cold. That was normal for him, since he mostly slept alone but today it didn't seem quite right. He opened his drowsy eyes and looked around when his eyes landed on the pair of pants that lay on the edge of his bed and he remembered. Even had been here.

He quickly sat up, and opened his mouth to call out to him but stopped short and decided otherwise. He stepped down onto the carpet and made his way to look for him downstairs. 

He could hear chatter as he walked forward and his heart beat with anxiety. _Who is he talking to?_

As he rounded the corner, his eyes fell on Even, sitting comfortably on a dining chair, his hands on the table and talking animatedly. The sun rays fell on his back surrounding him like a halo and making him look gorgeous, even with his bedhead and sleepy eyes. But Isak's little moment of marvelling over his - lover? - was cut short as his eyes moved towards the left and he noticed Emma - her back towards him - happily chatting away. 

He was dumbstruck for a moment while his brain decided for him that running away right then would be a good idea, when a voice broke him out of his thoughts, "Hey, good morning!" It was Even.

Isak stuttered back a _good morning_ but stayed rooted in place, by the door.

"What are you doing there?" It was Emma. "Come have breakfast."

"Yeah," Isak was clueless and his heart beat even faster as his feet took him towards the table and he sat himself on a chair, in between both of them. 

"You didn't tell me Even was such great company." Emma started talking as soon as Isak sat down.

Even just laughed while Emma sipped on her coffee.

"Well, yeah. It...never came up."

"True." She turned to Even, "But now that we've introduced ourselves, for the second time, I'd like you to come hang out with us sometime. It's nice to have someone visiting us once in a while." She added softly.

Isak looked at Emma while she talked with Even. _Would you say the same if you knew that I like him the way I could never like you?_

"I wouldn't mind, if that is okay with Isak?" Even questioned while his eyes looked at him.

"Yeah it's fine. I'll get changed, I have work."

"But breakfast?" Emma stopped him.

"I'll have it on the way out. Is it your day off?"

"Yeah," she blew on her cup, "I'm finally free for a day or two after such labour."

"Well that's nice. Um, see you then." He cast a quick look back at Even and walked out.

Even took in the interaction between the married pair and thought that even a blind man could sense the obvious tension in between them. They were two people, who knew nothing about each other, trying to make a marriage work. Even didn't see this going anywhere which made the guilt in his heart a little less.

_They're both unhappy. This is not a marriage. It's a contract._

Even had woken up early and had gone to make breakfast when he had seen her, sleeping on the sofa in the living room. His first reaction was panic and he had decided to flee when she had woken up and greeted him. Needless to say that he was surprised to learn that she remembered him.

_"I had some trouble at home so I decided to stay here last night. I hope...you don't mind."_

She had only smiled and said, _"Ofcourse not. It's rare to see Isak bring friends. Not rare, it's actually the first time I think that someone's stayed over. I had begun to think that he has none."_

The initial hatred which he had felt for her after seeing her at the church had slowly started to decrease as they had started to interact. She had helped him with breakfast and they had talked continuously, back and forth, like old friends. She had talked about her job, how tiring it was whereas he talked about his and hoped that she didn't know that it was a gay club. Fortunately enough, she didn't. She only asked where it was and said that she would maybe visit sometime. 

He had found out that just like him, she loved cooking but didn't have the time to do so. They were in the middle of talking about various food recipes when Isak had arrived; his face, though soft, lined with the same lines of worry that he always wore. Even had wanted to kiss him carefree but decided not to, since they had company.

The whole time that Isak sat there, Even had this urgent desire to hold his hand, for direct contact. But he couldn't act on them. So he didn't.

"I think you're good company for him to keep Even," Emma's voice broke him out of his thoughs. "I mean, I know you're aware by now that we both do not get along much. It's not something I'm proud of, but things are exactly the way it looks. They're messy."

"I know."

"So he's told you?"

"Not quite. But..."

"Yeah, I get it. It's obvious." She laughed humorlessly. "I just, I don't want you leaving him."

"I would never. He's...special to me."

She nodded, "That's good. I'm happy to see he has a friend who thinks of him this way." 

_If only you knew._

***

Emma had made sudden plans for the night with her friends when she had decided to text Isak and inform him that she most likely wouldn't be back. But what she wasn't aware of was that the plans would get cancelled last moment and she'd have no other option than to return home.

Emma stepped in the dimly lit house, exhausted from work and desperately in need of a shower. She checked the sofa and seeing that it was empty, wondered if Isak was already asleep in their bed. 

She gently pushed the closed door of the room and it creaked open, revealing a lump of blankets on the bed. She smiled walking forward but her eyes almost bulged out when they came across what lay under them. 

Isak was snuggled in a man's - was that Even? - arms, his face pushed in the crook of his neck and one arm around his waist. The other man - Even - had his chin resting on top of Isak's head while he held him tightly making them both look like they were in a lovers embrace.

 _Lovers._ Was it what they were? Was this the reason behind the downfall of their marriage? Was Isak...

She backed away quickly, hand on mouth, dizzy and sweat covering her forehead. Sitting down on the couch she took a few deep breaths to calm her racing heart, but it didn't help. This wasn't what she had been expecting. Sure, she thought that he had had a lover, but not a man. Never a man. How was she to fight to keep her marriage living, with someone who wasn't remotely interested in her. 

What next? What was she supposed to be doing? Was she supposed to go and confront them, or act like she didn't know about what was going on? 

She had sacrificed her loving relationship when come under pressure by her family to marry Isak, hoping that maybe someday Isak would give her the same amount of love that _he_ did, but she couldn't hope - not after today - that that would be the case. 

Isak was... She couldn't even think it.

She ran her hands through her hair numerous times, thinking but coming up with nothing.

_What do I feel about this?_

She knew now, that Isak wasn't interested in women, and that was solely the reason they couldn't be happy together. She was hurt, but not from a broken heart. She had never loved Isak. But...he was her husband. 

Maybe she had hoped that he would have come and talked to her about what he was going through instead of hiding, but who was she to complain. It was all a mess. A mess which she wanted to solve, but didn't know how to.

_What now?_

It was obvious this road was never going to take her to an open end, so she needed to find another. She knew what she would be doing as of then. She would wait and not force Isak to come out to her as of yet but she would support him, even if it was without him knowing. She needed to let him out of his joke of a marriage that they were in. Maybe she couldn't be a good wife, but she would be a supportive friend.

"Hey?" Even dragged her out of her thoughts, "I have to leave as well. It was really nice talking with you Emma."

"You too," she nodded and smiled affectionately at him. "Drop by sometime."

"You really meant it?"

"What? About us hanging out together? Yes. It's...it'll be nice."

Even quickly muttered _sure_ and stood up, making his way out of the room while Emma's eyes followed him.

She shook her head and rubbed her eyes while trying hard to understand if what she was doing was correct or not. But she couldn't ignore how Even's eyes had lit up when Isak had entered the room and how Isak seemed reluctant on looking directly at the man, and she somehow knew that whatever she was doing would help Isak in starting something good and something new.

_Just take care of him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> believe me i wanted Isak to spill his heart out, but looks like he didn't want to.  
> Emma isn't too bad herself, it seems. tell me your thoughts, and do share if you have any suggestions for what should happen next.  
> \----  
> i can't believe it's been a week already, time does fly.  
> so, about the chapter, it was quite a struggle writing this, with me trying to find a nice way of depicting emma's inner conflict (i don't know if i've done it justice) but i think she wrote her part herself. i just hope you all don't find it too messy, but that's what her mind is right now: a mess.  
> \----  
> anyway, if you guys want to talk dm me on twitter @ evrainbxw. my dms are open for all.  
> stay hydrated lovelies, take care of yourself. you're important. a dozen virtual hugs flying your way.


	9. Chapter 9

(not a chapter update) 

 

Hi!

So it's been a month since I started MWHBB and I hadn't even realized this until now.  But anyway, if you have checked my recent update on LAD, then you might have some idea on what this is about. And for the ones who don't, basically I've become very interested in making story covers and have made one for LAD (which I have posted there) and just a few moments ago have finished making one for MWHBB i.e this fic, as well.

As this fic deals with an older Isak, I couldn't really use pictures of the real actors (since they look/are way too young and their pictures don't match the cover idea I had in mind) and therefore, had to use other models instead. Thousand hugs and thank yous to the lovely Twoony, who is a fellow writer herself and a pretty chill person with addicting stories. She digged deep for grown up Isak look-alike and is the only reason why I have this cover picture. So, without further ado, here it is

 

 

 

This, of course, is Isak's cover. Even will have his own soon enough and then maybe I'll make one with both of them together. Let me know what you think of it (be honest because I'm totally inexperienced and this is just me trying). I'll add all the covers to the beginning of the fic once they're made.

On another note, if you've done this before and would like to help me make Even's or Evak's cover, then dm me on twitter @ evrainbxw. I'll be giving credits.

Other than that, I hope everyone is doing fine. Love and hugs to all of you.


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